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| I have to and I must.
There is no choices left.
The final path has been laid out.
This train will keep going. I have to get off at the next station.
It is no longer going in the direction I want it to.
There is only one way now.
It is to force it out.
I really am left with no choices now.
I am not able to peacefully set it aside.
There is no way I can do so.
Once again, to bury feelings under soil.
And for them to never be seen again.
My life is my own again.
The imaginary world has to stop.
It has to go.
There is no point in lying through the truth.
Pretending and faking to satisfy my internal needs.
I am just going to have to stand for myself again.
The sun is up, the breeze is brewing.
I close my eyes and feel the warmth and the chill at the same time.
Relaxing as the weather soothes my nerves.
An outburst of emotions overflows from my fingertips.
As I type and read; recalling memories and piecing together what my dreams want,
I can only slowly put them away.
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| Push, keep pushing.
Think brightly.
That is what we can do.
Pick up the pieces and fix what you can and keep pushing.
Go with the wind.
Follow the river with all its curves and bumps.
You will find the great Pacific Ocean eventually. | | |
| Sometimes, I wish you would or could hold my hand and lead a path for me.
And sometimes I wish I could do the same for you.
I am incredibly lost. I don't know what anymore.
Just want to be with you and spend time beside you.
In the end, a lost romantic I am.
Kinda contrary to what you are on a day to day basis.
Not saying it is a bad thing but it certainly is interesting.
Hope is such a killer at times.
Hope everyone else out there struggling with one thing or the other is able to pull through.
A mountain to climb and scale. When you do make it to the top and pull through, it is quite an amazing feeling.
Just keep pushing. | | |
| Everything has a path.
Some paths just keep going around and around.
Wanting to hold close, a warm moment.
It drifts away when that moment is short lived.
A one way train with no return.
Staying on the train and not knowing what to expect.
Silence brews as the internal turmoil is kept within.
Sometimes, I wish I could say a few words to you and you would say them back too.
But at las, in this given situation it is not possible. As we all know where our feelings lie.
I've made mistakes in the choice to stay on this choice. Broken a friendship or two over it.
Life is like that and sometimes there is not much we can do.
It is almost five in the morning. Repeatedly unable to fall asleep. As I awake, I wonder how my day is; to think that when I go home you will be there. However, I get back and you are somewhere else and that is to be expected.
I try not to burden my close friends with such troubles of mine. As it only causes more problems for them.
I am lost with what to do. Circling my choices and routes; not wanting to let go even when the truth is clearly laid out.
A friend who became a close friend who than became closer. You are someone who I find myself spending time with. Funny, witty and charming in your own way. Independent and yet different; a little troublesome to deal with at points but no one is perfect but you fill in every other spot there is to take.
My friends, as little as they are and as rare as I talk to them they have all contributed to being good friends.
Those that live close and those that live afar.
Some lost and some gained. And some regained. And some still adrift.
I can only hold onto so much; I feel like I've come across the limit. But this limit feels different. The will to want to hold onto it is still present but at the same time, the hope and the desire is present and so strong that I am lost without your comfort.
Sometimes I wonder if you notice when you are or not. You've made my days better and fun at times.
Melon Bear always enjoys spending time with you. I feel bad because you cannot be with him. Its always Melon Bear that is around. I feel selfish about it. And because what I feel is what you feel for him. I do not diddle daddle about what I feel as all it causes is trouble and inconvenience.
My mind drifts off sometimes and it'd feel almost like you were right there beside me and I end up trying to move something closer to me but only to realize it is non-existent.
Amazing that it has been three years hasn't it. Here I am, yet again, chasing a train that has no ends.
I know it is ridiculous of me to do so but I will sit here and quietly wait. Waiting for the opportunity to arise, if it were to ever arise. If I can find someone else I do not know. Maybe, probably will but in-depth I won't know.
Your smile makes me happy and want to smile to. It comforts me and relieves all that trouble that has been built up.
At times, I get angry because of something you say when I think to myself why I should do the same next time, to make a point. In the end, I cannot stay mad at you forever and just continue to be the same. Helping when I can and hoping it was helpful.
Life is always bumpy, no doubt to that. Sometimes, I just wish you'd come over and hold me in your arms and whisper the same words I whisper to you. On a cold lonely night; but here I am, going on and on. Dreaming in my own fantasy world. Deep down, my affection and feelings runs through and deep where I cannot find the roots anymore. It pains me when I make you angry because I know how much it bothers you and inconvenience's you.
And deep down, I know that if he were schooling near us and not so far away. You would probably spend more time with him. I will just smile and help you two out because to see you happy, makes me happy.
In the end, I think back on the past and wish I had not made mistakes that I had done.
Naive and ignorant but that is the past and built me to who I am to be.
If people cannot realize their own mistakes then that is unfortunate for them.
If people are so quickly willing to shut away a long-known friend then that friendship never had a strong base in the first place.
If a friend can so quickly shut the doors and not look back, they should open that door again and try to be friends.
I never said anything because I did not want to hurt you. I'ved like someone else and always have for the past three years. I could never figure a way to explain it to you and in that sense I am a coward. As I was six years ago as I am today. Unwilling to hurt other peoples feelings, rendering myself not knowing what to do.
It is five o'clock. I should try getting more sleep again. I have a training session today and I need to fix my work schedule as it conflicts with school time.
Life is troublesome and fun at the same time. As is with anything else. Push hard and push forward. If you fall, try to gather the pieces together, rebuild and keep going.
I have made it this far. I think I can keep going. Just don't leave me alone. I don't know what I would do if you disappeared on me.
P.S. This page has been backgroundless for two years now. I think I should find a new one and fix it up. My server died long time ago and we never set it back up again. | | |
| Has it really been that long since I last saw you and talked to you.
Man, what a kid I was.
But now? We've all changed.
Its too bad some friendships just cannot be fixed nor mended.
You were a good person to talk to and have laughs with.
I never brought myself to apologize in person.
Maybe that is what you were looking for.
I unfortunately never provided it.
Maybe in the future.
Who knows. | | |
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The Mess Hall
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Current Background: My Violin in Black and White
Camera : Canon EOS Digital Rebel
Wide Angle Lens 10 - 22mm (Canon)
F/3.5
Expo : 1/6
ISO 100
Cropped to show this picture
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